Mom: Want to come over for dinner?

Me: No thanks, already ate

Mom: What did you have?

Me: Peanut butter

Mom: With?

Me: Spoon

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“Do not purchase if seal is broke”

*looks over at homeless seal*

*places canned pickles back on the shelf*


Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?


Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.


That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.


David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.


My daughter just said, “Daddy, you’re good looking & not fat like other dads.”

She’s only 10, but we’re headed to the BMW dealership now.


[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?


I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.