“Do not purchase if seal is broke”
*looks over at homeless seal*
*places canned pickles back on the shelf*
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
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Me: are you serious?
GF: yes I can’t take it anymore, you’re too unpredictable
Me: [wearing a different shirt] what are you talking about?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
That awkward moment when you accidently knock a 90 year old over trying to get to the buffet first.
David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
My daughter just said, “Daddy, you’re good looking & not fat like other dads.”
She’s only 10, but we’re headed to the BMW dealership now.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I always buy a woman a popsicle on the first date to get a feel for how things might go later.