Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
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I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.