Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse


On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.


ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²

DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*


WIFE: omg the FBI

ME: thats just female body inspectors

W: why are they here

M: probably all those female bodies we buried

W: o yah lol


My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.


Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer


when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”


[Using My Shrink Ray]

Me: I feel so small

Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that


Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.