When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.
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Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?