Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
gm
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.