A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.
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Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
WIFE: omg the FBI
ME: thats just female body inspectors
W: why are they here
M: probably all those female bodies we buried
W: o yah lol
My signature move, is pulling on a push only door, when attempting to get it for a woman.
Ignorance is only bliss until you wish you knew the answer
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.