Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

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When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.


Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”


Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.


Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible


Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.


If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.


God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)


Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians


Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween


me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?