@EliseRose5

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

You Might Also Like

@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@hermanntrude

Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”

@OutNumbMother

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

@pittdave13

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

@mydanimarie

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

@ShootyDoody

God’s Wife: I just need some space!

God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)

@ComicMikeV

Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians

@kylamb16

Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween

@pleatedjeans

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?