One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
You Might Also Like
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer
I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen