Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.