Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?
There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome