@birbigs
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
@Shen_the_Bird
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
You Might Also Like
@birbigs
@KellieMounce
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
@AndyAsAdjective
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
@SteveKoehler22
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
@MeDistracting
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
@OctopusCaveman
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
@RainbowJohnJ
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
@GreenishDuck
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
@SucculentPizza
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
@bartandsoul
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome