Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

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One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.


Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw


COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim’s mirror
ME: You can’t prove it was me
COP: It was written in Dorito dust
ME: I want a lawyer


I have an awful lot of shampoo and conditioner for a single bald dude


I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.


a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week


I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.


I’m no Exorcist, but i did scare the hell out of someone once.


[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen