@Shen_the_Bird

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

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@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

@KellieMounce

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

@AndyAsAdjective

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

@SteveKoehler22

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

@MeDistracting

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

@OctopusCaveman

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

@RainbowJohnJ

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

@GreenishDuck

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@bartandsoul

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome