Mom: What are you hiding in there?
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

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Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.


David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested


I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.


My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.


The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”


me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂


me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see