Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see