@upsidedowntrash

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

You Might Also Like

@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

@sageboggs

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

@mattsurely

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

@stuckinaportal

*gf breaks up w/ me*

me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]

IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?

@sannewman

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

@ManvAlcohol

What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.

@Tmoney68

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.