Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”