@upsidedowntrash

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

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@Ty_Schutz

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

@robotrowboat

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

@13spencer

I keep having to remind myself that an “oral history” is not nearly as exciting as it sounds.

@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@RobbyActually

The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”

@Browtweaten

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

@Shen_the_Bird

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see