So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
*Catches the dead body at the wedding*
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.