
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important questionโwhat if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen