@LetMeStart
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
@carlyken
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
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@LetMeStart
@breatheandlove
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
@SortaBad
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
@HappyHijabbi
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
@jonnysun
crime tip: secretley grease a cop’s butt befor a car chase so when he slides acros the hood he’ll slip off & keep on slidimg down the street
@RamblingMachine
You think your spouse loves you?Put them & a dog in the trunk of the car for a day. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
@realHamOnWry
Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.
@FrenulumBreve
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
@ThisOneSayz
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
@NicestHippo
[getting a massage]
MASSEUSE: You have sensitive skin
SKIN: What is THAT supposed to mean