“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

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If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart


me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no


I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it


If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.


*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you


*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*


When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”


While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?


Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many


Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.