“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

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Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.


Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.


My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important questionโ€”what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?


[morning after getting drunk]

age 23: did i make out with that guy

age 36: did i wash my face


[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees


Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*


All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.


I’m at my most Michael Phelps when I find out someone has peed in the pool.


The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.


Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen