@carlyken

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

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@OfficeofSteve

If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@JuanSalton

I don’t have a drinking problem, I’m very good at it

@kelownagoose

If you have your underwear on over top of your pants, I’ll let you in line in front of me at the pharmacy.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

@foodfacenow

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

@nice_sugar_girl

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

@tsm560

While you’re making a difference I’m making spaghetti bolognese. So I ask you, who’s winning now?

@ItsAndyRyan

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

@AuthorGaylord

Me Pre-Kids: I’m never gonna lie to my kids ever.

Me with Kids: I just got off the phone with Santa, the firefighter dog from Paw Patrol, and the Green Power Ranger, and they all agree, if you don’t put your shoes on, they’re gonna have to put down another unicorn.