@BoiSmurfie

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

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@wolfpupy

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

@CulturedRuffian

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

@brian_bilston

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@YoungFunE

I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”

@jazmasta

They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.

@NotARatsAss

Tried to make a video seductively licking the frosting from an Oreo, but got excited and ate the whole thing. Twenty times.

@Beardson

Cat: Meow

Me: Hi

Cat: Meoww

*picks up cat*

Cat: Meowww

*puts cat down*

Cat: Meowwww

*feeds cat*

Cat: Meowwwww

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

@ktmcburr

This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.