mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?

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5yo: What’s a cannibal?
Me: A person that eats another person.
5yo’s eyes widen in horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn’t ya?


My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.


What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.


“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane


[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.


[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”


Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.


With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.


“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*