5yo: What’s a cannibal?
Me: A person that eats another person.
5yo’s eyes widen in horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn’t ya?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
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My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.
ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now
“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*