@queuethorn

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

You Might Also Like

@CrazyExhaustion

5yo: What’s a cannibal?
Me: A person that eats another person.
5yo’s eyes widen in horror.
Me: You said cannonball, didn’t ya?

@deedles420

My doctor wants to have me tested for lupus which is ridiculous, as I’ve never even seen a werewolf.

@atDevin

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

@moutheaters

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.

@Book_Krazy

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

@Vice_Queen

Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.

@AmishPornStar1

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

@hipstermermaid

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*