@loudmouth_usa

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

@Gooooats

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: Casserole.
Me: Wrong! (hands wife forged doctor’s prescription for tacos) We’re eating tacos.

@sarousti

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

@Mimiification

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

@fro_vo

Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner

@MandaPie1981

Having been married for awhile, I’m out of touch. Is it ok to date several guys or just one at a time? I asked my husband, he just got pissy

@djdarrellripley

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

@dog_feelings

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

@ArfMeasures

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so