If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
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Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.