@loudmouth_usa

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

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@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@ThugRaccoons

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

@GuyBreakup

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

@DanMentos

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

@gorrdano

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

@travisauruss

I think the closest I’ve come to playing romantic music at a girl’s window is when I forgot to turn down “Eye Of The Tiger” at the drivethru

@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

@RecursiveTaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@dave_cactus

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.