Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒