Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
For those that worship cheese..
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.