@shkeeber

Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…

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@squirrel74wkgn

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.

@Social_Mime

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

@crownjuul

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

@_IHateEvery0ne

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

@ClichedOut

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cat starts snoring]

Awwww.

[dog starts snoring]

Awwww.

[spouse starts snoring]

I would murder you twice right now if I could.