Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Mom: Where’re you going?
Me: To dinner with my friends!
Mom: Your friends?
Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*