My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
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“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..