@shkeeber

Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…

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@hythemafia

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@MrsTomServo

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

@alexlumaga

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

@meladoodle

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

@GretchenVB

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

@ValeeGrrl

Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select

@curlycomedy

If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?