Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Mom: Where’re you going?
Me: To dinner with my friends!
Mom: Your friends?
Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…
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9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I’m ordering new furniture with his college fund.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
7: Dad, why did the Tooth Fairy write me a check?
Me: I don’t know but she needs you to hold on to it until the 15th.
Her: Easy, cowboy. I’m not having unprotected sex.
Me: No worries!
Her: Where are you going?
Me: To lock the front door.