Mom: Where’re you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends!

Mom: Your friends?

Me: I’m going to use McDonalds’ free Wifi to get on twitter…

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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


Few people know that inventor of the car alarm Enrico Irritanti never owned an automobile. He did, however, passionately hate his neighbors.


That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.


Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you


My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.


Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?


Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”


[cat starts snoring]


[dog starts snoring]


[spouse starts snoring]

I would murder you twice right now if I could.