Fight
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*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”