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@Kryzazy

You ever notice Waldo is always smiling in the books?
That’s cause no one knows where he is and he’s happy as hell.

@Social_Mime

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

@sweet_an_sexy26

Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.

You’ll be safe.

@whereami18

Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee

@bngzyface

[dermatologist office]

*Gets mole removed*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

@Browtweaten

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

@NotARatsAss

* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *

Hmmm…

* apologizes to the dryer *

@msevilroyslade

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

@KevinFarzad

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.