You ever notice Waldo is always smiling in the books?
That’s cause no one knows where he is and he’s happy as hell.
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Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.
You’ll be safe.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
*Gets mole removed*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
* changes bedsheets, 14 socks fall out *
* apologizes to the dryer *
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.