@LackOfShame

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

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@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@bugbucket

it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager

@KeetPotato

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

@foodfacenow

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

@SeiYoung83

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

@Loving_Life1996

We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.

@mattgallo123

Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.

@Reverend_Scott

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

@JohnLyonTweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.

Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-

Me: *smiling* Absolutely not

Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.

Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.