SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Calling me instead of just texting
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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it’s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
We are gathered here today because SOMEBODY *glares at coffin* couldn’t stay alive.
Whenever I’m drinking gatorade and wearing gym clothes I wonder if people think I’m exercising or if they know I’m hungover on laundry day.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.