when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
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My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
I put the p in pants.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox