Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

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Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.


Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look


brent use the shallow end
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]


if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck


[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day


[during a plane crash]

Guy sitting next to me: HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING DOWN

Me: [leaning over] You gonna finish those cashews?


Make your employees work 8x faster by constantly playing that music from Sonic the Hedgehog when you’ve been under water for too long.


Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon


Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you


Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”