Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
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Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“no gods no masters” = leo
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.