Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
You Might Also Like
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Gods work.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember