mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
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Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
me irl
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.