Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest