Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Amazon: heh
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!

Thanksgiving at the Primes

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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?


WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?


When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”


[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”


Of course I touch myself when I think about you

It’s called a face palm


Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.


*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!


me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast