If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Mom: Why can’t you be successful like your brother?
Optimus: But I saved humanity from Decepticons!
Thanksgiving at the Primes
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WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Of course I touch myself when I think about you
It’s called a face palm
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
As your goth healthcare provider I urge you to drink water. There is nothing more attractive or intimidating than a hydrated goth.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast