sliding into dms like
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My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.