@WorIdComedy

mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony

me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet

mom: (._. )

me: I’m just kidding call the cops

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@abbycohenwl

Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did

@LurkAtHomeMom

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

@AngryRaccoon2

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

@Mom_Overboard

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

@Megatronic13

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

@Nahdude83

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. Give a man a jelly fish and you can pee on him.

@weirdralph

The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.