[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
You Might Also Like
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop