Welcome to the dark side.
Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
mom: why is there a Hispanic man climbing our balcony
me: he is my romeo & I am his Juliet
mom: (._. )
me: I’m just kidding call the cops
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Scene: I’m sitting on an airplane
A guy returning from the bathroom steadies himself by placing his hand on the overhead bin as he walks by my seat and…
A piece of toilet paper falls off his hand and lands on me.
Do I set myself on fire?
Don’t simply give a wrong # to guys @ the bar. Memorize the # of someone you despise and hand that shit out like Reese’s pieces on Halloween
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.