Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Krampus.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I put the h in mysterious.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Does this dress make me look cat?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.