What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
good work, everybody
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
not seeing the problem
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
#Thanos #MondayMood
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that