@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

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@supershayne

[Hops into ship]
STARLORD: Let’s do this.
*inserts mixtape*
“Hey, this is Hannah Baker, and if you’re-”
STARLORD: Crap wrong tape wrong tape

@hunz74

Police sketch artists are a bunch of con artists.

@QwertyJones3

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

@

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@Bob_Janke

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

@Maxine12333

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

@VodkaTiem

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

@JediGigi

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

@crylenol

*Jesus emerges from tomb*
Wow was that 3 days? Holy cow. I was marathoning The Wire. You guys seen this?