MOM: You give that back to him, mister
ME: Ok mom
MOM: and what do we say now?
ME: *climbing off unicycle* sorry I tried to steal your girl

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Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.


*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel


*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*


[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.


Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT


Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.


i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds


I’m always ready with my mallet when sewer workers poke their head up from under a manhole.


My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.