20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
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I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
is this a threat
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing