[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
✌🏽
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..