Mom: You need to get a hobby.

Me: Like photography?

Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.

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[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”


[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit


Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]


You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.


Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs


Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up


good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory