[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
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son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…