Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
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Son, I grew up in a golden age when the bookstore didn’t have an entire section labeled “Teen Paranormal Romance.”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
good morning to everyone except grandpa joe who sat in bed for 20 years and allowed his family to wallow in poverty but hopped up like a mf to go to a candy factory