brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
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Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
You’ll be OK
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.