me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
You Might Also Like
I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.
You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer?
-Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk