MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad