Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline