@BoogTweets

Mom: Your son still won’t do his laundry. Talk to him
Dad: I’m not going in there
Mom: Why
Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks

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@abbycohenwl

how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose

@NapVeg

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

@TrophyWifeDayna

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

@sofarrsogud

Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?

@trevso_electric

I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle πŸ™

@AimeeHelene1

Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!

@TheSharona06

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

@ChipKellysBalls

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

@patnspankme

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.