Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up