Mom: Your son still won’t do his laundry. Talk to him
Dad: I’m not going in there
Mom: Why
Dad: Last week I stubbed my toe on 1 of his socks

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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose


when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man


People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?


Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?


I didn’t flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she’s pudding our kids in the middle πŸ™


Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!


I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so


Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?


We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.