mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

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Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
Cs: no


Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed


*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*



[Deathbed Confession]

I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.


Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true


me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…