Car salesman: and it has a back up camera
Me: Cool, where’s the main camera?
Cs: Sorry no this is for backing up
Me: Ah, to the cloud
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
Sorry I stole your 1 year old’s birthday wish by blowing out their candles but I didn’t get invited to the 2nd birthday so my wish came true
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…