mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
#JohnTravolta
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away