@JohnLyonTweets

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

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@SadPeruna

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

@Pee_And_Giggles

19: Help me think of a tweet.

Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.

19: Maaaaa!

@JimmyBauer

Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.

@sip_at_home_mom

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

@rz0ndy

My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.

That’s all the DNA test I need.

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

@kaitlinmaarie

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@notorious_stars

My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them