If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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19: Help me think of a tweet.
Me: I’m sorry for the never-ending selfies, duck lip poses, & whining about how hard my life is.
Of all the bears that could kill me the gummy has come the closest.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My daughter did a cart wheel and slammed her head right into the coffee table.
That’s all the DNA test I need.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
My girlfriend looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped Wearing them
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News