Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”