[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer