[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
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“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m crying im so happy for them
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.