It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Europe. Made in Germany.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?