Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

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Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset


If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.


*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.


When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.


Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.


Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.


ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre


Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?


If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.

Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.


*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”