@ohwrigley

Mommy? Does Barbie come with Ken? No dear, she comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

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@girlontapas

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

@LoveNLunchmeat

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

@violet_heartin

*strips & lies on the couch*

Me: Draw me like the one of your French girls.

Cop sketch artist: For the last time, get out of my house.

@VerbsRProudest

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

@my_minivan_life

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

@rockymomax

ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

@tazsme

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

@om_eye_goodness

If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.

Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”