“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.


If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.


Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.


Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room


[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows


It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now


I’m on hold. My call is important to them.


Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !


Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*