@LoriGallucci

“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

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@dorsalstream

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

@JT_IV_

If you are cornered by raccoons in the wild then place your thumb and index finger tips together- make a bandit mask. They will accept you.

@LittleLostLad

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@Ygrene

[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows

@toastymoe

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@bryanmcc74

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

@BigJDubz

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*