“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—


Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.


I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.


*puts a DVD of ‘Frozen’ and a DVD of ‘Dante’s Peak’ into the same DVD player*

*’Waterworld’ starts playing*


I love people until they have the nerve to tell me & the inflatable swan that I was passed out drunk on all night, to get out of their driveway.


Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.


HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen


Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now


Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”