The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
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Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.