“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”

“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”

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I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.


does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink


[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*


I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.


It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.


Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)


I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.


mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?


me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?