@Marlebean

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

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@heytherejeffro

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

@thepaulahunt

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

@Tresca69

Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope

And the cops always come sooner then you expect

@QwertyJones3

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

@StevenKJohnson

Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.

@carlyken

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

@shkeeber

If dolphins are so smart, how come they’re never on Jeopardy?

@stockejock

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”