“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
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“I stayed in”
“Oh”
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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
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2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.