“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
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Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Golf would be better with landmines.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
This will teach them to underestimate me
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”