Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
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How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.