“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
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never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.