“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
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I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I think we should hear other voices.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.