Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.


We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.


[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.


I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.


You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control


Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!