It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
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I’m trying, but all the Liam Neeson jokes are taken.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
DEATH RACE 2
I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.
You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!