“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
You Might Also Like
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
For sale: Standards. Mint condition. Barely used.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I want to meet someone who enjoys long walks along the beach, so I have enough time to sit at home alone and tweet
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.