Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Encore…
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
This could’ve been an email.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate