Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.