Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
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Incredible customer service.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?