Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

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I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.


me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator


My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.


My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.


Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened


It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5


Me: I don’t think Grinding Dory is appropriate for the kids.

Wife: I said FINDING DORY & we need to discuss your internet usage.


[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia


I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.