Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
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“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!